I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
