i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Randomize
