i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
