guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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