my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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