she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
