I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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