Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
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