I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
