Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
