I want you more than these girls want KFC
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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