NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
