Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
