I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
