i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
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Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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