i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
