It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
