I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
My friends, they love my intelligence
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
