the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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