3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Randomize
