I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
