One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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