So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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