Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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