How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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