a queef is a wish your heart makes.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
