I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
