just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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