just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
