I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
