I wannas sexs uuuuu
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
