I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
