Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
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