the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
3pm strippers are depressing
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
