Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
