I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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