I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
