I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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