The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I can feel your judgement through the phone
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
