when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
