So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
