I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
