So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Your penis caused this!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
