youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
