Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
