I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
