I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
