Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
