Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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