im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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