I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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