onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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